Step up to the mic.

I have my first presentation of this semester this Wednesday. For a while I convinced myself that I would have a beer or two to loosen myself up for the crowd. Almost everyone gets scared shitless up on the stage, you can see it in their shaking hands, you can hear it in their quivering voices.

Then I realised that if I were to have a drink prior to the presentation, I would have to do the same for the second one, and for the third one, and for future presentations. I'd eventually become too dependent on something unnecessary to have to carry out routine tasks, which basically defines an addiction.

Something which comes to mind is how the rock star cliche was brought up. Getting wasted all the time. Ozzy Osbourne's 2007 album "Black Rain" was the first album he ever recorded sober.

So the best thing to do is to man up and give it your best shot. The first time for anything always makes you nervous, it's just a matter of practising and growing accustomed to your situation as you encounter it over and over again.

Hopefully by the end of the year I'll be able to address a crowd without pissing myself. But I'll carry an extra pair of shorts, just in case.

Walk this way.

You know back in Manhattan where I grew up, every road was pretty much flanked with sidewalks. Wide ones too, like 2 car lanes wide each. That's understandable, considering the amount of people in the city at all times (the city that never sleeps, y'know?). And thank God for these sidewalks, without them mincemeat production in America would grow substantially. Every pedestrian uses them, no questions asked.

Pictured: The equivalent width of a Maltese road.

Here in Gozo it's a little different. While Malta has one of the, if not THE, densest populations in Europe, car lane-wide sidewalks are unnecessary in most villages. People mostly get around by car or bus, despite having the grocery shop and parish church just around the corner.

So, not that many pedestrians = many cars instead.

The people who do walk generally have sidewalks, provided they aren't trying to be bad-ass by walking from one village to another (yes you, middle-aged women). Now these sidewalks aren't wide but in my opinion are sufficient due to the small towns and villages. There is one problem, however.

Most locals don't, for some reason, think of a sidewalk as a, well, you know, a SIDEWALK. Nope, they just walk on the road right next to the sidewalk. My only theory for this is that people here tend to think of sidewalks as private property belonging to home-owners and that they don't want any trouble. So to avoid such trouble, they cause even more trouble by taking up half the Goddamn road, waddling their asses away like they're leading a marching band. If they hear a car approaching from behind, they can might as well moon you and take a crap right in front of you because they won't move for fuck-all. You just drive slowly behind them until the road widens or they enter a shop where you pass by and scream "USE THE DAMN SIDEWALK, THAT'S WHY IT'S THERE!".

A life saver. But fuck that, I'll just walk right in front of that oncoming garbage truck.

Sidewalk: (noun); walk consisting of a paved area for pedestrians; usually beside a street or roadway.

Reading between the lines.

Everybody knows the show South Park as that cheaply made cartoon, with the racist fat kid and that Kenny kid that dies all the time, which uses satire and dark humour to support their story-lines. The truth is, Trey Parker and Matt Stone offer us more useful life lessons than we'd ever learn in school or at home.

Sometimes the message is straightforward at the end of the episode when Kyle says "I've learned something today", and the main reason such lessons are taught through this controversial show and not through school is because a lot of the topics in question are, well, controversial. But we have to learn these things sooner or later right? Teachers and parents alike try to avoid them altogether and that's okay to a point, when children are still young and not mature enough to understand certain things. But sooner or later everyone's going to encounter controversy in life, and this has to be dealt with, with preparation through teaching. It is important to note that Matt and Trey are obviously not your average student councilors and they're not in the entertainment business mainly for teaching, but for us to laugh at Kanye West making love to a fish and feel bad for Oprah Winfrey's snitch.

Topics the show should be given credit for giving good points on include:

• Homosexuality tolerance ( "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride" and "Cartman Sucks")
• Giving people with disabilities unnecessarily embarassing and excessive limelight ("Conjoined Fetus Lady" and "Freak Strike")
• Oppressive Christianity ("Fantastic Easter Special" and "Cartman Sucks")
• People who claim they are psychic and can talk to the dead are doing more harm than good to people who have lost loved ones ("The Biggest Douche in the Universe")
• No matter who you vote for, you're going to be screwed one way or another ("Douche and Turd")
• Paris Hilton is an overrated good-for-nothing spoiled whore ("Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset")
• Most peace-promoters don't really do anything but group up and talk about peace without actually doing anything productive ("Die Hippie, Die)
• If a cure for HIV were actually found, it would probably only be available to people who could afford it and a lot of less fortunate people from poorer countries would die anyway ("Tonsil Trouble")

and so on. While I wouldn't recommend buying the complete South Park DVD box set for your 5-year-old, I will say that he'll still watch it online eventually and say "Hey, those guys have a point there!"

For Mr. Stone and Mr. Parker, class is still in session.